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Do you think Indian ATC is doing enough to reduce RT congestion in the skies ?
Aviation Humor- Forty Fourth ATC Day Issue, Oct - 2014


Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

X -------- X

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,... and I didn't land."

X -------- X

"Mumbai, what number am I in the landing sequence?"

"By the time you land, sir, you will be number one."

X -------- X

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

X -------- X

These amusing communications illustrate the implications of using vague language, as well as the age-old potential for conflict and confusion between operational departments and functions, and the long-suffering tolerance of service and maintenance staff in support of operational personnel found in all industries.

Technical problem or defect reported by pilot or crew. Remedial action or answer reported by maintenance engineer
Something loose in cockpit. Something tightened in cockpit.
Left-inside main tyre (tire) almost needs replacing. Almost replaced left-inside main tyre.
Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500lbs. Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300lbs.
Unfamiliar noise coming from No2 engine. Engine run for three hours. Noise now familiar.
Mouse in cockpit. Cat installed.
Target radar hums. Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
Number three engine missing. [not firing properly presumably] Engine found on starboard [right] wing after brief search.
Pilot's clock inoperative. Wound clock.
Aircraft handles funny. Aircraft told to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
Whining sound heard on engine shutdown. Pilot removed from aircraft.
Noise coming from under instrument panel - sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. Took hammer away from midget.
Suspected crack in windshield. Suspect you are right.
IFF inoperative. [IFF = Identification, Friend or Foe.] IFF always inoperative in 'off' mode.
Test flight okay except Auto-Land very rough. Auto-Land is not installed on this aircraft.
Technical problem or defect reported by pilot or crew. Remedial action or answer reported by maintenance engineer
No2 ADF needle runs wild. [ADF = Automatic Direction Finder/Finding?] Caught and tamed No2 ADF needle.
Turn and slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns. Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!
Dead bugs on windshield. Live bugs on back order.
Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces 200 feet per minute descent. Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. Evidence removed.
Three roaches in cabin. One roach killed, one wounded, one got away.
DME volume set unbelievably loud. [DME = Distance Measuring Equipment?] DME volume set to more believable level.
No2 propeller seeping prop fluid No2 propeller seepage normal. Nos 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. That's what they are for.